To Be or Not To Be . . . Obedient to God
Ever just feel lost? Like you knew who you were and where you were going just last week but today your all confused looking to the left and to the right to find true north. That's what I'm feeling today. Just restless, not knowing what to do with myself. It's been two weeks of cleaning, organizing, donating and dumping almost everything in our house. It was something that was long overdue and neglected. The Lord had been nudging me for over a year to, in a sense, "clean house". We had stuff tucked away in closets that we had not seen or used in over five years. Not junk but great, hardly used, some even unopened stuff, just tucked away for "tomorrow". But, "tomorrow" never came and unfortunately we were stuck with just a lot of stuff. Stuff that was in our way, on our minds and frankly just getting on our nerves. Why was I holding on to old baby clothes, Christmas decorations, hats, scarves, blazers, dishes, glass wear, heels, etc. that I didn't use and no longer want?
Why was I hording all this stuff and most importantly why did it take me so long to do what it was I knew God wanted me to do? Whenever I complained about not having enough space and how we were busting at the seams I could hear Him say, "Get rid of it all then." But it pained me to just think about parting with my stuff. It was my stuff for my future, for my dreams. Dreams of a house, dreams of a different life, dreams of a growing family. Holding on to this stuff was my way of controlling my future. Dictating to God what I wanted, no rather demanded, my tomorrow to look like. If I got rid of my stuff I would be giving up on my dreams, as to think that my stuff had any say at all what my tomorrow would be or what it would look like. But it did not! It could NOT! Abba is the only one who holds tomorrow. Mines and yours. God didn't care about my stuff. He cared about the trust I was putting in my stuff to get me what I wanted whether He liked it or not. Giving up my stuff meant that I had to trust Him with not just my future but my heart. After losing my Hailey I wanted to control everything. To take the reigns and decide whether I go left or right because clearly I was more fit. If I was my god I wouldn't let myself endure such struggle and heartache. I wouldn't let my only daughter be taken away from me. Not now, not ever. But I'm not God and all my decisions are not good and perfect. I can't see the future or effect time and space. I can't read minds or control the hearts of man and I surely can't die for the sins of the world and raise myself back to life. That makes for a horribly unqualified master of the universe wouldn't you say.
So I guess I had two choices: 1) Trust God and surrender to him my heart and future while trusting Him to FAITHFULLY provide what I need (and sometimes want) from day to day. Or
2) Not trust God, keep filling our house with more stuff, despising our lives, becoming angry at the world hard hearted people who one day get offered a reality TV show because our lives were so jacked up. In which case CPS would come to our home and take our son away because I turned his crib into a storage area for all my HomeGoods purchases. The choice is pretty clear right? But to be honest, IT WAS A HARD DECISION.
Staying the same is comfortable and familiar. And when your already hurting [comfort]able is all we seek, its what we chase after. But if we only knew that the empty wine bottles, bad company, trying to become our own god, bitterness, neglecting to be who God was calling us to be were really no comfort at all, maybe we'd make better choices and have more peace and happiness in our lives. And now that I have significantly less stuff to think about maybe I can focus more on the things that I'm called to do like pray, write, study The Word intently, teach, gather and visit a neighbor or two who might need a listening ear or a helping hand. Getting rid of all my stuff has cleared much needed space in my home AND HEART. Every time I open up a closet door I'm no longer reminded of the life I felt I was cheated out of. Now its like we have room to grow, move and breath. Not controlling/dictating my future leaves room for a sweeter, better tomorrow. Maybe one so great that I couldn't dream it up even if I wanted to. After all that's what Abba promises right ;) The surrender and obedience that I once dreaded and ran from has become a blessing. It has given me hope. It is proven evidence to me that He really does have plans for my good. To prosper me and not to harm me. To give me a hope and a future. Doing things my way made me sad, overwhelmed and left me feeling stuck without hope. He's a God who cares about us and every single detail of our lives. We just gotta trust Him and obey. I promise, NO He promises that you wont be disappointed.
This was the straw that broke the camels back. After completing this devotional I jumped right out of bed and got to work. It helped me to see that I could trust God and be obedient when its hard work or even if it hurts. Thanks Pricilla!
Why was I hording all this stuff and most importantly why did it take me so long to do what it was I knew God wanted me to do? Whenever I complained about not having enough space and how we were busting at the seams I could hear Him say, "Get rid of it all then." But it pained me to just think about parting with my stuff. It was my stuff for my future, for my dreams. Dreams of a house, dreams of a different life, dreams of a growing family. Holding on to this stuff was my way of controlling my future. Dictating to God what I wanted, no rather demanded, my tomorrow to look like. If I got rid of my stuff I would be giving up on my dreams, as to think that my stuff had any say at all what my tomorrow would be or what it would look like. But it did not! It could NOT! Abba is the only one who holds tomorrow. Mines and yours. God didn't care about my stuff. He cared about the trust I was putting in my stuff to get me what I wanted whether He liked it or not. Giving up my stuff meant that I had to trust Him with not just my future but my heart. After losing my Hailey I wanted to control everything. To take the reigns and decide whether I go left or right because clearly I was more fit. If I was my god I wouldn't let myself endure such struggle and heartache. I wouldn't let my only daughter be taken away from me. Not now, not ever. But I'm not God and all my decisions are not good and perfect. I can't see the future or effect time and space. I can't read minds or control the hearts of man and I surely can't die for the sins of the world and raise myself back to life. That makes for a horribly unqualified master of the universe wouldn't you say.
So I guess I had two choices: 1) Trust God and surrender to him my heart and future while trusting Him to FAITHFULLY provide what I need (and sometimes want) from day to day. Or
2) Not trust God, keep filling our house with more stuff, despising our lives, becoming angry at the world hard hearted people who one day get offered a reality TV show because our lives were so jacked up. In which case CPS would come to our home and take our son away because I turned his crib into a storage area for all my HomeGoods purchases. The choice is pretty clear right? But to be honest, IT WAS A HARD DECISION.
Staying the same is comfortable and familiar. And when your already hurting [comfort]able is all we seek, its what we chase after. But if we only knew that the empty wine bottles, bad company, trying to become our own god, bitterness, neglecting to be who God was calling us to be were really no comfort at all, maybe we'd make better choices and have more peace and happiness in our lives. And now that I have significantly less stuff to think about maybe I can focus more on the things that I'm called to do like pray, write, study The Word intently, teach, gather and visit a neighbor or two who might need a listening ear or a helping hand. Getting rid of all my stuff has cleared much needed space in my home AND HEART. Every time I open up a closet door I'm no longer reminded of the life I felt I was cheated out of. Now its like we have room to grow, move and breath. Not controlling/dictating my future leaves room for a sweeter, better tomorrow. Maybe one so great that I couldn't dream it up even if I wanted to. After all that's what Abba promises right ;) The surrender and obedience that I once dreaded and ran from has become a blessing. It has given me hope. It is proven evidence to me that He really does have plans for my good. To prosper me and not to harm me. To give me a hope and a future. Doing things my way made me sad, overwhelmed and left me feeling stuck without hope. He's a God who cares about us and every single detail of our lives. We just gotta trust Him and obey. I promise, NO He promises that you wont be disappointed.
This was the straw that broke the camels back. After completing this devotional I jumped right out of bed and got to work. It helped me to see that I could trust God and be obedient when its hard work or even if it hurts. Thanks Pricilla!
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