The Root of The Problem (Fantasy vs Reality part 3)

     Life hurts!  And as I type these two short words my eyes well up with searing, hot, tears attesting to the truth of the statement.  Life hurts so much sometimes that you wish that you could just, poof, disappear or even run away.   I find my self in a season of life in which the thought of disappearing often rears its ugly head.  Grief, regret, sorrow and confusion or just some of the things that plague me during a time of great blessing and spiritual growth.  And even though everything around me is shouting, "sing hallelujah" and "praise God",  I still have this gaping hole in my heart and in the pit of my stomach.  And I can feel the darkness of depression and despair calling out to me.  It wants to hold me and embrace me.  No, it wants to engulf me.  And so, I run.  I run with all my might and feeble stregnth to try to escape its tight, flesh piercing, grasp.  I run and I run and I run.  Why, because I dont want to face what lies awake in the darkness.  In the darkness lies a beast with two heads.  One head is for you and the other, against.  This beast is called silence and in  the darkness the silence is so loud its defining.  Its sole purpose is to allow all those thoughts and all those feelings that you have been trying so hard to push and cram down your very own throat, to come to the surface and stare you in the face.  So in the darkness I find a poorly wrapped ugly gift, but a gift none the less.  The gift of truth.  The truth of who I really am deep down inside.  The truth of how much losing my daughter still pains me and haunts me to this day.  The truth of my all my many insecurities.  And the truth of my overwhelming fears and imperfections.  

  "Stop", I say but it doesn't listen.  "Leave me alone", I demand but its unimpressed.  "Stay away", I shout, but instead of heeding it chaces me.  I try to wrestle it but its to too big, too strong, too loud and so, I run.  I run until my weary soul can run no longer and find myself out of breath and have to sit down.  "Where are you Lord?", I cry.  "Take this away Lord", I plead.  But there is no reply.  No answer.  So when my God doesn't come blaring through the doors of my affliction I become uneasy and begin to doubt and question my heavenly fathers allegiance.  This is when we find ourselves at a crossroads.  Do we wait on the Lord to come to our aid and hold onto his promises or do we let our suffering get the best of us,  leading us down a path of destructive thoughts and/or behavior.  

     

     So what do we do?  How do we  regulate these overwhelming, frightening and sometimes what seems to the outside world, irrational emotions?  In a search for answers one day I fell across this video which surprisingly helped me get a better understanding of the human heart and mind.  Watch the video below and gleam from it what you may.  If what she says resonates with you then take notes, do further research on the subject matter.  If you don't find it helpful, that's ok as well.  Just do whatever it takes for you to acheive victory over these strongholds in your life.  In whatever you do just remember to always view everything through the lens of scripture.  Because true victory and our real value and worth are found in Christ ALONE! 

                                                                     -Sarabeth